Good morning. You have been in suspension for -FIFTY- days. In compliance with state and federal regulations, all testing candidates in the Aperture Science Extended Relaxation Center must be revived periodically for a mandatory physical and mental wellness exercise.
[echoey] Hello, test subject. Echo. Echo. Welcome to your first test. I’m your overseer, Cave Johnson, and I think, if you keep testing, you might find something very interesting about this planet. [chuckle] [beat] It’s me. I’m the planet. You live on me. Wanted to save it till later, but man — it’s just too darn good. You really wouldn’t have seen it coming. Do me a favor, don’t tell any of the other test subjects. Also, don’t pollute.
So, remember when I said I was working on a special gift for hitting 1,000 followers? Well, over the weekend, we hit 1,500! WAY past due for me to make good on that promise. So here you go- a free origami Cubie pattern to download and print! It’s designed to be folded using the traditional waterbomb base, with the heart faces overlapping and the white sections becoming flaps that get tucked in. Now you can resize it, give it battle damage, make it look however you like, and then take cubie pictures of your own!
Alright, this next test may involve trace amounts of time travel. So, word of advice: If you meet yourself on the testing track, don’t make eye contact. Lab boys tell me that’ll wipe out time. Entirely. Forward and backward! So do both of yourselves a favor and just let that handsome devil go about his business.
(Happy Season 8 Premier!)
Break one-nine. Big Box Cave Johnson here, hauling a freight shaker with a loada cold ones in the wagon down to Texarkana. I got twenty-eight hours to get this done, so I’m putting the hammer down. Anybody hearing this, shake the bushes and gimme your ten-twenty. Also, test subjects, I’ll be gone for twenty-eight hours, test on your own recognizance. I want to keep this channel clear, so do not use your CB radios. Cave Johnson, we’re over and out here.
Cave Johnson again, just a heads up, you are currently in a tiny test chamber floating around in my bloodstream. Remember, if you see a giant set of car keys, those are mine. Lab boys shrunk ‘em part way down before I could stop ‘em. No idea if it was for science or if they’re just having one on at ol’ Cave, but either way, if you don’t find those things pretty soon, I’m gonna have to call Triple A.